What Does Fine Really Mean?

Scientific research on the meaning of "Fine" said by a woman.

This is just another in my series of helpful decodings of cryptic phrases often uttered in seemingly benign circumstances by those of the female persuasion. In this edition, we address the infamous "I'm fine." This dismissive little all-purpose phrase is often uttered in a seemingly innocuous manner, perhaps imbued with a hint of joviality, accompanied by a brave little smile. But that, dear friends, is all part of the carefully plotted snare. Oblivious to the danger, you then go about your daily chores, convinced that the world is your doggie bone and you are in good hands.

Yes, all is well, bud.

Lulled into a false sense of security, the male of the species often "steps in it" without realizing that "it" is waiting to be "stepped in." Of course, the true meaning does become clear later when he comes home and is greeted with his clothes, guitar and entire vintage cd collection strewn about in the back alley. One imagines that Megyn Kelly, upon entering her abode after moderating that debate with The Donald, was quite quick on the draw with "I'm fine."

"I'll be fine."

Science has not yet found a perfect response to "I'm fine." Unfortunately, something that you said reminded the subject of that incident in 10th grade when she wore her shorts backward in gym class and the coach sent her back to change, or her first date ended with that flat tire. Taking immediate action is seen as intrusive, and taking no action is interpreted as utter-fracking-indifference. The best reaction is to pay a visit to that Sports Bar you saw on the way home from work and watch the Knicks get beat again, just to prepare yourself for what awaits.

"I'm fine!"

So, fine.

2019